Helping Your Child Through a Divorce

Each year thousands of children experience their parent’s divorce and the break up of their fundamental family unit. How parents handle their own separation and divorce affects their child’s ability to get through this transition as well. How a child reacts to their parents divorce depends on their age, personality and the circumstances that surround the separation and divorce. Divorce has an effect on everyone involved, and the initial reaction often includes feelings of shock, sadness, frustration, anger and worry. Children who are able to successfully navigate through this difficult time will improve their ability as a young adult to handle stress, and become more tolerant and flexible.

Things a parent can do to help their child through their divorce include:

- Limit disruptions to your child’s daily routine

- Keep visible conflict, legal talk and heated discussions away from the child

- Do not blame the other parent or speak negatively about them in front of the child, save it for private therapy sessions or conversations with friends outside the home

- Ensure both parents stay a part of the child’s life

- Do not make your child a part of your support group, even if they seem like they want to be. Save that position for friends, family, clergy and professionals.

Practice what you are going to say to your child and remember that the discussion should be tailored to their age, maturity and temperament. As soon as you are certain of your plans to separate, break the news to your child that their parents will soon be living separately. If possible, both parents should be available for this conversation. Leave out any feelings of anger, guilt and blame and focus your attention on your child’s needs. Both parents must ensure to the child that their decision to divorce is not their fault. Children often feel responsible for their parents’ break-up, so reassuring your child that your decision to separate has nothing to do with them is essential.

Explain to your child that parents can’t divorce their children and that no matter what you will always love them, even if you aren’t with your spouse anymore. Explain the changes that are about to happen in your child’s life to prepare them. Be prepared to answer any questions appropriately and truthfully. Children do not need to know all the dirty details about their parents divorce, keep the discussion focused on the changes in your child’s daily routine, but also remind them that some things will stay the same.